Just another Minnesota Mom blog.

He’s Not As Good.

Posted: July 6th, 2011 | Author: | Filed under: Autism | Tags: Autism, evaluations, mental breakdown | 16 Comments »

That’s what I blurted out during a break down to my husband this morning.

The boys were eating breakfast. I was doing dishes and thinking about the speech evaluation that was coming up and how Wyatt- (our talker!) had failed to impress the judges at his speech evaluation. I was getting more and more worked up thinking about how I was going to lose it if I had to sit in there and watch them be even less impressed with our mostly non-verbal son.

I was crying the ugly cry and I told my husband he had to take him. I said I couldn’t sit there and watch because “he’s not as good…”.


Mother of the #$%^ing  year over here.

Obviously I don’t think he’s “not as good”.  He’s awesome.

I just hate this process we have to go through to get them the help that they need. I hate that we have to keep doing it over and over and over again, like so many nails in the coffin. Yes! He has autism! Yes, he’s non-verbal! Yes, he needs speech therapy!

I have had very few breakdowns through all of this. First day of school? Not a tear. Reading medical evaluations that actually used the words “severe” and “profound” to describe their autism? Nada.

I think the last time I had a really good cry about the crappiness of it all was the day of our first evaluation. In December. I think I’ve held up pretty well to go this long.

And the results of his evaluation? Same as his brother, just different skills.

I didn’t see that coming.

I suppose I should give him a little more credit. Oh, and he “qualifies for speech services…”

No shit.

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16 Comments on “He’s Not As Good.”

  1. 1 Heather said at 12:37 pm on July 6th, 2011:

    Try not to beat yourself up! It's ok, we all need to break down sometimes!

  2. 2 erinclot said at 2:28 pm on July 6th, 2011:

    Thanks Heather, I know you know 🙂

  3. 3 Sarah said at 12:37 pm on July 6th, 2011:

    I have moments like this with my twins. Grace has issues, Isabelle doesn't. Yeah, maybe it's not autism, but PT, OT, ST……a lifetime of playing catch up to her sister. Now we're starting the process with Boyd. Always questioning why us, why them, am I doing the right thing? How can I make it better? You're doing an amazing job with your boys, and I think everyone is entitled to a "mommy meltdown" once in a while.

  4. 4 erinclot said at 2:27 pm on July 6th, 2011:

    It's tough. all parents worry about their kids but once you cross that line into special needs it's like there is no room to dwell, it's just go go go. I have to remember that this isn't sprint, it's a marathon, and if I don't let off some steam once in awhile, i might go crazy!

  5. 5 smerntface said at 12:38 pm on July 6th, 2011:

    Sometimes we just need a really hard good cry. *hug*

  6. 6 erinclot said at 2:25 pm on July 6th, 2011:

    Yes, if I didn't have anything to do today I would probably sit on the couch with a movie and a box of Oreos. It's one of those days. I'm hoping a little coupon shopping with perk me up a bit.

  7. 7 Sara said at 1:14 pm on July 6th, 2011:

    It is stressful going though all the evaluations and being told your kid is different, etc. It's not really what we had envisioned going though with our kids. You definitely need to vent or have a good cry now and then! I know I do sometimes.

  8. 8 erinclot said at 2:31 pm on July 6th, 2011:

    It is hard. Some days I wish we could just stay at home forever and deal with this here, without anyone except their teachers and therapist and not have to be around other kids their age that are neurotypical. Not have to be around other parents, not have to explain the details of so many evaluations and defend our reasons for how we do things….it's EXHAUSTING! It's easy at home, for us it's all normal.

  9. 9 motherwifeteacher said at 1:41 pm on July 6th, 2011:

    You're entitled to a good cry every now and then. Have you ever read the short piece called "Holland"? I first came across it when I had just gotten Kenneth's diagnosis and was searching the web for information. I'll re-post it here.

    Welcome To Holland
    Emily Perl Kingsley

    I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability – to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this……

    When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip – to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.

    After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."

    "Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."

    But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.

    The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.

    So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

    It’s just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around…. and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills….and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

    But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy… and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."

    And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away… because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.

    But… if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things … about Holland.

  10. 10 Heather said at 1:50 pm on July 6th, 2011:

    I LOVE the article you shared about "Holland". Thank you so much!

  11. 11 erinclot said at 2:22 pm on July 6th, 2011:

    Someone tweeted to me "Welcome to Holland" the first week after their diagnosis. It did help to get a little perspective and I think it accurately describes those first feelings of losing out on a dream you've had for them since they were just an idea. I actually like the Holland Schmolland and Welcome to Beirut essays a little better.

  12. 12 Bonnie said at 7:50 pm on July 6th, 2011:

    There's another article similar to Holland, entitled Amersterdam International. It's here – http://niederfamily.blogspot.com/2010/10/amsterda
    I really love this one. I'm spending a lot of time at Amsterdam International. 😉

  13. 13 Jenna said at 11:25 pm on July 7th, 2011:

    I hope now that the boys have gone through so many evaluations, you can be done with that for a while. It seems like you've had the same things done twice for both of them. Hang in there. To me it seems like they've been making great strides since they started school. It can only keep on getting better the more they learn. Feel free to call me if you ever need to vent.

  14. 14 When you get knocked down, you get up again. | The Slacker Mom said at 9:56 am on July 9th, 2011:

    […] feedback you get? What do you do when you get that feedback on pretty much the worst day since your kids were diagnosed with […]

  15. 15 Chelsea said at 1:02 pm on August 19th, 2011:

    So sorry, Erin. Wish I had the words to offer, but I just don't know what to say, to be honest. 🙁

    Those boys are lucky to have you as their mama!

  16. 16 April is Almost Over! | The Slacker Mom said at 8:45 pm on April 23rd, 2012:

    […] Last July I wrote this post and at the time we really thought there might be a chance he would never speak.  Actually, we thought that all the way up until the moment that he did.  And then I thank God that I did not listen to anyone who told me I jut needed to wait it out because holy shit, what has happened in the last year has been amazing and it wasn’t going to happen on it’s own while we sat around and waited. […]

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