Just another Minnesota Mom blog.

Emotional Mess

Posted: June 11th, 2012 | Author: | Filed under: Misc. | 12 Comments »

It’s funny how reading a Facebook feed can bring me right back to being a kid. Being left out. Feeling rejected.

Not good enough.

I’m 34 years old, I should have a tougher skin by now, but apparently whatever toughness I’ve patched on is easily pulled off with the scroll of a finger.

I’m pretty introverted by nature. Always have been, always will be. It takes me awhile to come out of my shell, to trust people, to feel comfortable putting myself out there and dipping my toes in the friendship waters. That’s what I love about my husband, he’s kind of the opposite (matching parts). He paves the way for me in some ways.

But blogging. Blogging is my thing. It’s been my thing for over 5 years. Over the past year, well, 6 months really, my focus has drastically changed and I have lost much of what I loved about my little corner of the internet.

Everything is a business transaction now. What builds a better back-link. Who has the better following.

Those things make you worthy as a blogger. At least that is how it seems from where I sit this morning. I never wanted to look at blogging like a business.

I’ve always said I would never go to a Blogher conference. I said it would be too overwhelming, and that is mostly true. But I also know that I would feel terrible rejection, by not being recognized, by not being invited to something, by many tiny slights that everyone deals with. Some people can just let it roll off their back. Some people, like me, are left a puddle on the floor, unable to recover.

I never expected to feel that way over something as trivial as a run of the mill giveaway event.

But it did.

The dams broke and all of the emotion I have over holding everything together day in and day out came flooding out. The isolation of being a special need parent. The isolation of being a stay at home mom. Sitting on my couch at midnight. Crying silently while my family slept was not the way I wanted to start my week.

I’m sure some people won’t understand, but blogging is my escape.

The friendships and to some extent, the partnerships, I thought I had built mean a lot to me. They make my escape what it is.

It’s the kind of reality check I thought would come with a large conference.

Thankfully I didn’t have to waste money traveling to New York City to get it.

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12 Comments on “Emotional Mess”

  1. 1 Jenna said at 12:58 pm on June 11th, 2012:

    People can be so mean, especially online when you don't have to face the person you're being mean to. Keep your chin up. You rock.

  2. 2 erinclot said at 8:16 pm on June 11th, 2012:

    No one was "mean". Thanks for looking out for me though 😉 I suppose I could look at it as a push in the right direction though- getting back to actually writing for a change.

  3. 3 Jenna said at 8:52 pm on June 11th, 2012:

    Maybe I misunderstood. I think it's a great idea though to change things up a bit. I'd love to see more stories, pictures, and videos about the Dynamic Duo and their brother the Tank.

  4. 4 Jill said at 1:57 pm on June 11th, 2012:

    I'm sorry for the pain you are feeling. Life can definitely hurt sometimes.

    Not sure if its any consolation, but you and I chatted one time, and its something I think about often. I've felt a connection with you ever since then, when you told me you have twins, and you told me that your boys have autism. Now, my kiddos are only 8 months old, definitely too young to be diagnosed with autism, but every once in awhile, when I have that creeping feeilng that my daughter isn't making appropriate eye contact, or paying attention to books or songs the way her brother does, or is having yet another freakout session when anyone else looks at her (let alone tries to hold her), and I wonder, "Could it be?," I think of you, and I know that I'm not alone.

  5. 5 Jill said at 1:57 pm on June 11th, 2012:

    (continued)
    Does she have autism? Is this completely normal behavior for her age, and their differences are just reflections of different personalities? I don't know, and I'm sure it will be a couple years before we do know. Regardless of the outcome, knowing that you are there, it kindof makes me feel like I can take whatever comes our way. That whatever happens, it will be ok, and that I am blessed. No matter what.

    So please know, that whatever is going on in the blogging business world is kindof silly. Because you are making a difference and that is what matters. Giveaways? HA! Who needs em? I'd take a friend any day.

  6. 6 erinclot said at 8:27 pm on June 11th, 2012:

    Jill. Thank you. All I ever wanted when I started blogging way back when was to connect with other women, then moms to be, then moms. Obviously my journey has taken a few twists and turns in the parenting department and the format has changed a bit with the allure of reviews and sponsored posts. But that was never what I wanted for this space. This space is about me and my family and our little corner of the world.

    I worry that when people top by and read they just see disclaimers and ads and nothing more and it makes me wish I had never gone down this road.

    It helps to know that I *have* made an impression. I will spend the summer finishing out obligations and getting back to making this space my own.

    As for your little girl, it is pretty early and it is so hard to know what is worrisome and what is not, especially when you have a direct comparison 24 hours a day. I think that was what made it hard for us. We were first time parents, we didn't always know what we were looking for and if we had eye contact some of the time- that was good enough for us.

    I would try not to drive yourself crazy at this point (easier said than done) but keep an eye on things.

    Thank you again! I so needed to hear this today.

  7. 7 lianemarkus said at 1:39 am on June 12th, 2012:

    This kind of feeling is not good most especially when you feel that you are letting yourself down. know we all experience having bad and negative thoughts but I hope we all learn from those negative side of us.
    My recent post אושר

  8. 8 Tricia Nightowlmama said at 1:44 am on June 12th, 2012:

    I understand. The first yr I didn't make it to Blogher I felt left out.

    I too use blogging as an outlet and for finding myself. If you ever need a friend to listen I'm up all hours.

  9. 9 julie said at 6:11 pm on June 12th, 2012:

    Erin, I am so so sorry you have to have these feelings. My heart sank when I read this, because I have had these same feelings. I guess a Mom always hurts whenever their children hurt, it doesn't matter the age.

    I love you,
    xxoo

  10. 10 kitchenblogic said at 10:59 am on June 15th, 2012:

    Hola E! Having been a blog reader of yours since way back in the beginning, I wanted to let you know that I, too, feel "left out" at times as well. It must just be part of the human psyche. What I'm doing with the rest of my life is reaching out only to the people who are good and kind, and don't make me question my behavior. I wish for you one good friend who you can spill it out with. You are awesome and so are your adorable children!

  11. 11 erinclot said at 10:52 am on June 16th, 2012:

    Thanks Kathy 🙂 It seems so long ago that all I wanted was to be part of the Minnesota blogging group. Such a great bunch of writers and cheerleaders back then. What the hell happened to blogging? Back to basics for me. Hopefully in a year I'll be able to look back and be proud of what has graced my pages instead of cringing at my apparent sell-out.

    I swear I'm going to run into you at Target one day- I'll be the one gushing 😉

  12. 12 themamabeth said at 1:26 pm on June 17th, 2012:

    Boo.

    I have wanted to go to a blogging conference for years, but I'm waaaay too chicken. Anyway, about six people read my blog, it would be a little pointless since I'm not in the business of blogging-I just write for the fun of it.

    Incidentally, I really enjoy your blog and there's been lots of reviews that you've done that have made me want to try something, or wished that I lived in your area. You're a good writer! As long as your blog is what you want it to be, then more power to you. I will say, I don't usually enter ANY giveaways, here or anywhere else, just because I am lazy.

    I am excited that there'll be more stories about the boys though! There has been a lot of things you've written that I file away in the back of my mind to remember for the times I encounter kids with special needs, or their parents.


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