It’s funny how reading a Facebook feed can bring me right back to being a kid. Being left out. Feeling rejected.
Not good enough.
I’m 34 years old, I should have a tougher skin by now, but apparently whatever toughness I’ve patched on is easily pulled off with the scroll of a finger.
I’m pretty introverted by nature. Always have been, always will be. It takes me awhile to come out of my shell, to trust people, to feel comfortable putting myself out there and dipping my toes in the friendship waters. That’s what I love about my husband, he’s kind of the opposite (matching parts). He paves the way for me in some ways.
But blogging. Blogging is my thing. It’s been my thing for over 5 years. Over the past year, well, 6 months really, my focus has drastically changed and I have lost much of what I loved about my little corner of the internet.
Everything is a business transaction now. What builds a better back-link. Who has the better following.
Those things make you worthy as a blogger. At least that is how it seems from where I sit this morning. I never wanted to look at blogging like a business.
I’ve always said I would never go to a Blogher conference. I said it would be too overwhelming, and that is mostly true. But I also know that I would feel terrible rejection, by not being recognized, by not being invited to something, by many tiny slights that everyone deals with. Some people can just let it roll off their back. Some people, like me, are left a puddle on the floor, unable to recover.
I never expected to feel that way over something as trivial as a run of the mill giveaway event.
But it did.
The dams broke and all of the emotion I have over holding everything together day in and day out came flooding out. The isolation of being a special need parent. The isolation of being a stay at home mom. Sitting on my couch at midnight. Crying silently while my family slept was not the way I wanted to start my week.
I’m sure some people won’t understand, but blogging is my escape.
The friendships and to some extent, the partnerships, I thought I had built mean a lot to me. They make my escape what it is.
It’s the kind of reality check I thought would come with a large conference.
Thankfully I didn’t have to waste money traveling to New York City to get it.