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Breaking Point

Posted: August 22nd, 2012 | Author: | Filed under: Parenting | Tags: Stream of Consciousness | 8 Comments »

It took 19 months of being a SAHM for me to lose my mind.

19 months to realize that a trip to Target for groceries every two weeks was NOT in fact enough of a break from my children and husband so that I could recharge and keep going.

I’m not sure if it was the summer schedule for the boys, or the complete chaos of having kids with constant needs, or the fact that a week after their summer school ended Yogi Dad had a trip out east for work and I was on my own for a week or what, but I broke.

I was miserable and miserable to be around.

I needed time and space away from everyone and everything.

I couldn’t even get on the computer and write, I had no energy and absolutely no will.

I felt like I was crumbling and on the verge of tears every minute of the day and I couldn’t see how it was ever going to get better.  Not without some sort of release.

But seriously, how was I going to get away?

I don’t have an emergency stash of cash for moments like this.  There was no booking a hotel room to sleep off my melancholy.

My mom offered up her house, which was perfect.  She was headed up north for the weekend and I could stay and veg and not do anything.

So I did.

At first I thought I would bring along a consignment sale tagging project but at the last minute decided that I needed to do NOTHING for 24 hours.

So I got in my car and drove.  I stopped at the grocery store and got a few groceries, stopped at Starbucks and got some coffee and headed to my Mom’s.

I made a Black Forest Dump Cake.

I read a book.

I cooked myself a steak with crumbled blue cheese.

I drank three Summer Shandys.

I ate half the dump cake.  (Well, almost half…)

I started another book.

I watched Made in Manhattan.  Twice.

I slept on the couch without worrying that someone was going to bash my glasses in with a sippy cup to the face.

I was up by 8am, mostly because I was in the living room which is flooded with light.  Next time I will choose where I sleep more wisely.

I really thought I might drink a bottle of wine and take a sleeping pill and go to bed and sleep until noon, but I can’t drink like I used to.  I’m obviously not a champion sleeper either.

I left for home around 3 and got home in time for dinner.

The house was picked up.  The boys were behaving.  I didn’t feel the urge to run far away in the opposite direction like I had been for the weeks leading up to my little break.

I can’t say I won’t ever feel that way again.  I’m going to try and add a few things into my life to get me out of the house more, but I’m not an especially social person, so I tend to back out of things at the last minute.

I don’t know if it’s anxiety or what (probably) but I’ve never been a joiner.  If I had my choice between being around people I don’t know (or do know) or staying home, I will almost always, without fail, stay home.  All my IRL friends live in far flung states and at this point in the game I’m just not super interested in putting in an effort to find new ones when my life is so different from other moms my age.

Seriously, the thought of ECFE and play dates make me want to scratch my eyeballs out.

Add to that the fact that I’m realizing more and more that people I talk to on the computer- the people that were kind of my salvation from complete isolation- are just people I talk to on the computer.  If I went away tomorrow, I would never hear from them again.

As someone who has been involved in blogging and social media for years, I really hate to admit that fact.  The internet, no matter how connected we seem, really is a lonely place.

So yeah.  I kind of broke in two there for a bit.  All patched up for the time being.  Hopefully I can make sure this doesn’t happen again anytime soon.

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8 Comments on “Breaking Point”

  1. 1 Stephanie said at 8:34 pm on August 22nd, 2012:

    You are not alone!!!

  2. 2 Jennifer S said at 9:01 pm on August 22nd, 2012:

    I had that feeling today. You are definately not alone in that feeling!

  3. 3 Christina said at 10:22 pm on August 22nd, 2012:

    When you wrote this: " If I had my choice between being around people I don’t know (or do know) or staying home, I will almost always, without fail, stay home. All my IRL friends live in far flung states and at this point in the game I’m just not super interested in putting in an effort to find new ones when my life is so different from other moms my age." It was like you were speaking to my soul. I can totally relate.

    Five years ago, we moved to the country, I quit my job, had twins, and my older boy was diagnosed with autism. None of my friends could relate. Then one by one, my entire group of friends moved away. The blog became a life raft for my sanity…. It gets a little lonely existing in a virtual world, though.

  4. 4 marybeth~BabySavers said at 10:30 pm on August 22nd, 2012:

    You are definitely NOT alone. I 100% understand and feel exactly the same way about ECFE and playdates. I've done it before, but it's NOT something I gravitate towards. I usually think I'm perfectly happy staying at home with the kiddos, but that's also a recipe for making me a bit crazy.

    I know there's no easy answer–I genuinely enjoy being around people, but I don't crave that socialization like some of my friends. At the same time, I recognize that I feel much better–happier and more at peace–after I've had quality time with others.

    So, I don't know if I count as one of those people you talk to on the internet, but I feel like I know you a little bit. Plus, I think we've chatted more IRL than online, so that counts for something 🙂 I'd notice if you went away, so don't think that others wouldn't 🙂

    We should probably get together sometime for dinner or just a little relaxing, child-free time to "talk shop."
    My recent post Save 67% on the Infant Optics DXR-5 Video Baby Monitor with Night Vision

  5. 5 MnautismMom said at 6:36 am on August 23rd, 2012:

    After a year of being a sahm, I returned to work with a big hard shove from the hubby and I resented it for awhile and then one day I knew I wasnt meant to be home. Now I don't dream of being at home with the kid or regret working with other peoples children(im a teacher). I need me. I need to be the woman I was before I had a child and maybe it's because he only wants to do the same thing on repeat or maybe it would have been like this despite his spec needs….I guess it doesn't matter. I can't stay home.
    Ecfe conflicted with naps and bedtime routines. There were never enough moms to hang out with. That was my answer, not saying it will be yours.
    Which brings me to blogging. Sigh….I hear you, so many Internet friends, but none of it real. I don't blog anymore in part because of this. I hope you are blogging f or you first.
    I do hope you push yourself to get out more. No, target does not count. Having minor meltdowns are not good for you. Make time to go out alone with hubby. Make time to go out with other women and have fun! Sadly it took me 5 years of being a mom to realize how much I changed. From one Internet friend to another. Take some time to remember what you did before children and then go and do it 🙂

  6. 6 julie said at 12:08 pm on August 26th, 2012:

    I agree with MnautismMom. You need to find time for yourself. with other women and without. I felt like a single Mom a lot while you girls were young and older, There was not always time for me. I always put myself last, it's easy to do as a Mom, someone has to be there for the activities, cares etc. Hard feelings build up over time, you forget who you really are as a person, as a parent, and as a wife. Hard feelings start showing through.and relationships crumble. Take care of yourself. But balance time with the boys. They have to grow too. I totally understand what you are saying here. It's hard. I will do what I can to help I have been there. xxoo

  7. 7 Jess Rix said at 10:03 am on August 29th, 2012:

    All I can say is yes. Yes to all of it. Sometimes, no matter how pretty we want to paint alternate, socially fulfilled endings with completely relateable people….the truth is, sometimes, there isn't anyone who understands at the moment you need someone too. Sometimes it is lonely and sometimes it is miserable. Escaping and runnning away is ok.
    Somedays, your posts are what keep me sane. Your words are my escape. You, without knowing it, are my relatable person.
    Maybe someday when I'm in town we could get coffee, I'd sure like to meet the boys. Maybe someday we could have a mini reunion at a park with your mom, my mom, all of us and the kids. Would be neat to all reconnect – in person.
    If you ever want to talk….

  8. 8 Jess Rix said at 10:12 am on August 29th, 2012:

    I just enrolled in some classes, trying to find "Jessica" again. Maybe a community education class? Learn photogrpahy or spanish or salsa dancing.
    Don't wait 7 years like I did.Staying home is hard. Staying home with sn kids is…well, you know.

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